Dudes, we gotta have a talk…
Recently one of the wonderful women in my life and I were talking about her dating and sexual experiences with men. After hearing the way things are for the eleventy-th time from women I love and care about, I am saddened that I even have the compulsion to put fist to keyboard and mash out the following screed. …but dudes your behavior warrants this…
I am no expert in people let alone women, or pretty much anything that is not a computer, and even there my expertise is questionable. Yet reality is that I get laid a lot more than you do. I must be doing something right because I am invited back in to boudoirs again and again. I think that has little to do with what I have and more about how I treat people, especially the women in my life. The following is what works for me as a feminist living in today’s world.
I am frequently asked by well meaning guys I know “Chris, how is it that you not only attract all of these beautiful women, but that you get so many of them, and they all seem to keep coming back?”
The short answer is ‘I am not an ass’, however as concise as it is, I think that I probably will have to spell this out for many who might stumble across this post, so I will.
Below are some of the basic rules I have set for myself when it comes to dating. Nobody is perfect, but if you sincerely believe in and attempt to follow these rules, I assure you, you will get the attention of the women around you — even if you screw up from time to time.
- Treat her as you want to be treated
As odd as it may seem, an avuncular atheist quoting the Bible in a talk about sex, Christ’s Sermon on the Mount really is rule #1 when it comes to dating, mating, and relating.
“All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them.” — Matthew 7:12
This does not relate only to sexual things, but in all things dealing with other people. Of course there are broken people out there who behave as though life were some sort of land opposite reality and you are not responsible for them. You are only responsible for yourself and your actions.
Treat the women around you as you want to be treated. Maybe these women are not for you, but their friends and friends of friends will take notice. As one flirt recently cooed to me “…good guys are few and far between.”
2. Listen to her
Most of the women in my life are way better at communicating than I am. You too will likely see this if you close your mouth, open your ears, and listen.
She will tell you exactly what she likes, wants, desires, and dreams of if she knows you are listening.
Find out her boundaries and never cross them. If she feels that you are not listening or don’t care about those boundaries, you will probably be shown the door rather quickly.
3. Her needs are not a personal attack on you
These direct words from a woman who opened up to me on the subject should be all I need to write.
“..too much pressure on my clit is not a critique of the guy’s performance, sometimes it is just a millimeter in the wrong direction for it to feel good…”
Yet I know it is not enough to simply use the above quote because I hear these sentiments regularly and often accompanied with quotes of the guy’s response to the woman voicing her needs in bed, such as this example:
“…it worked for previous girlfriends, i don’t know why it doesn’t work for you…”
This hopefully is not just about the guy having ‘only one move in bed’. Having a well rounded sexual technique is a good thing, but without listening to her and instead forcing your sexual perspective on her no matter how good your technique is it is going to suck for her because you are not only not listening to her needs but you are also forcing her to have sex by your terms. Which coincidentally isn’t sex, but is somewhere between rape and wanking with another person’s body…
The reality is, dudes, she invited you into her body. She knows better than you do on the subject of how her body works, what she likes, and what gets her off. So be a man and treat her, her voice, and her expressed needs with respect and heed them. Otherwise you should not expect an invitation back and you should expect her to tell all of her girlfriends how much you suck in bed.
4. Never ever shame a woman for her sexuality
Shame can take many forms and often comes from misunderstanding. If this is troubling you then please do back and re-read chapters 1 through 3 as most of this will build upon the golden-rule, listening to her, and not hearing her needs as a criticism.
Guys when you are invited by a woman to be a part of her sex life, she is opening herself up to you. She is making herself vulnerable and putting herself potentially at risk for infection, pregnancy, and idiots who cant respect boundaries. She faces more risk than you do for a few minutes of mutual enjoyment and therefore you absolutely must give her the benefit of the doubt no matter what she brings to you.
In addition to the aforementioned increased risks when it comes to sex, women likely have it way more physically intense than us men do. There is really no way to compare the experience, but science tells us that not only is the entire set of nerves that make up the clitourethrovaginal complex larger than what men have, but it is also has more nerve endings per square centimeter.
Yes, the clit is way bigger than your cock, get over it and get on with it.
Everyone knows that areas of our bodies like our finger-tips that have more nerve endings are way more sensitive. Now think about how sensitive your junk is, hold that in your mind for a moment, and please take a second to think about what it might be like were it more sensitive and more intense feeling for everything. Got that? Good.
In a little thought exercise add all of the above beginning from number 1 and imagine yourself in that role instead of the role you are in now. Can you imagine that?
Pretty fucking frightening huh?
Now imagine that being a majority of your love life…
Despite all of that women still put up with us, still have sex with us, and still love us. So why is it that many men often give women shit when they voice their sexual needs and desires? To me that seems all rather self-defeating and not so very nice.
My experience is, that when shame is not involved in the equation, that when the women I am with are encouraged, they tend to be more trusting, more relaxed, and sex is generally much better. Conversely, whenever I hear from women about their bad sexual experiences it almost always contains elements of the guy being an ass in degrees ranging from his ignoring her needs and desires to his actively criticizing them and attempting to shame her for her feelings. Fortunately I don’t hear of worse too often, but sadly it happens and likely with more frequency than most of us are aware.
TLDR: Dudes, this is a duet, you are not Eddie Van-Halen stroking your axe in some extended guitar solo. If you want great sex with an actual other person then stop with the shaming and humiliations. Instead pay attention, listen to, do what she says, and always treat her the way you want to be treated.
5. Be Good, Giving and Game
The seminal sex columnist Dan Savage coined the abbreviation “GGG”. It stands for good, giving, and game, and it means one should strive to be good in bed, giving “equal time and equal pleasure” to one’s partner, and game “for anything — within reason.”
This may seem like a repetition of the previous parts of this post and yes, it is. Were it not for the volumes of conversations I have had with women about just how bad sex usually is, this repetition would not be necessary and the entire post would simply consist of “Be GGG”. However it is necessary and I think the consonance of GGG is an appropriate mantra to use to hammer this message into the minds and the lovestyles of all of the men of my and following generations.
Be Good. To your lover, and to yourself. If for some reason this one is unclear, please start at the top of this post and keep re-reading it until it is.
Be Giving. To your lover and yourself. One personal rule of my own is that I usually do not even take off my pants or allow myself to get off until I have given my partner at least one orgasm. Truth is it usually takes a woman much more to get there than it does us men. But when they are there, women are aroused and orgasmic for much a longer duration than men. So it is much hotter for all involved the longer women are enjoying themselves.
To ignore her needs, and only focus on your own pleasure is the definition of selfish, and is a likely reason as to why you aren’t getting laid, why they never come back, and why you aren’t being introduced to these women’s friends.
Be Game. This means listen to her, and be a good sport about what she wants to try, do, and experience. If she trusts you, she will likely take you to where she wants to go. When she does it will be better than you expected and by doing so, you encourage her to explore more of what she wants to with you.
This GGG thing is a great place to be in with someone you love, and ultimately we all want someone to share our deepest, most base and carnal feelings with, without ridicule or shame.
My experience with women is not about my perceived good looks, wealth, or smarts for I am really none of those compared to some others — I am just an average guy in all departments, completely lagom as we say here in Sweden. My getting laid more than you has everything to do with how I treat women. This stuff should be common sense.
So boys listen up, if you paid attention you might get out of the lonely and barren groove you are stuck in — or don’t, it’s on you because I am not the one who night after lonely night angrily rubs one out as fast as he can into a crusty old sock before crying himself to sleep in an empty bed followed by dreams of connecting with one or several of the better half of our species…